No matter how hot, how good the sex, eventually those fires die down. Passion of the flesh may ignite the fire, but that fuel burns quickly.
The key, then, to choosing a mate, if you want a good, long, marriage, is to look beyond the sex.
That's not to say that sex isn't important, and that sexual compatibility isn't a key. But, as the old wisdom advises, if during the first year of your marriage, you put a penny in a jar each time you make love, and in all subsequent years you take a penny out of the jar each time you make love, you'll still have pennies left in the jar when you go to meet your maker.
Your mate should share the same interests you have. They don't have to be exactly the same, but there should be a large overlap. There should be no obvious "deal-breaker" conflicts. If you love to read in silence, and she always has to have the TV blaring, chances are they'll be trouble down the tracks.
Your mate should be of about equal intellect.
Your mate should have either similar career aspirations, or complimentary career aspirations. By similar, I don't mean that you should both want to have the same career, but rather that the importance of your careers relative to your other values should be similar. If one of you is intent on climbing the corporate ladder at any cost, and the other is more interested in quality time, that could create contention. Complimentary career goals could be where one spouse chooses a career that is likely to require frequent moves, and the other spouse chooses a career that allows her to work at home.
Your mate should have similar tastes in music, literature, movies, TV, and food.
Your mate should have similar, or complimentary religious beliefs.
Your desires regarding children should coincide.
You should fall at about the same place on the introvert-extrovert scale. If one of you is a social butterfly, and the other is a hermit, chances are your ideas of a perfect Friday night are going to be night and day.
Your mate should have had a similar background growing up. This may be the most inflammatory statement, but, if your backgrounds are too far apart, there are bound to be issues that arise. Your background shapes your value system, and if your value systems aren't close, this will create rifts.
You should share similar material wants. If all you need is a pair of cut-offs and a bike, and she wants firs and Ferrari's, there's bound to be a messy crash ahead.
If appearance is important to you, look at pictures of relatives when they were her age and focus on relatives that had similar appearances, then look at pictures of that person as she aged. Pay particular attention to parents and grandparents. This will give you some idea of what you can expect later.
Even if appearance doesn't matter, you should be about equally good looking. If one of you is much better looking than the other, chances are either dissatisfaction or jealousy and fear will sabotage the relationship.
Lastly, and maybe most importantly, you must like each other. Being in love with each other isn't enough. Loving each other isn't enough. You must truly like each other. You should enjoy being with each other. Ideally, you should be best friends.
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Posted by David at September 03, 2002 11:50 PM