I'm struggling a bit at the moment...
My confidence is creeping down...
And my weight is creeping up...
I am really struggling at work at the moment. Part of the challenge is overall confidence. I have been in this new position for over a year, and I have still yet to be on a winning engagement. I was told when I interviewed for the job, that we only win between 25% and 35% of the deals we work, but so far, I have won 0% - or to put it another way, I have lost 100%.
I worked my first deal for about six months, then it went dormant due to a change in the business conditions of the client.
I was assigned to my second "deal" when the first one first went dormant. I was on it for about a month, when the first deal fired back up, and so I had to be pulled off of the second deal to work the first. After about another month, the first deal once again went dormant, so I was put back on the second to help with some of the proposal writing.
I was assigned to my third deal to once again help with the proposal writing after two of the TSMs went down with the flu on the same day. I spent about a month helping on that deal.
My fourth deal was another "help out" deal. I was assigned to help out with the due diligence portion. That lasted about three weeks.
My fifth deal was my first deal as "lead." I busted my ass for four months on that deal.
My sixth deal was my second deal as lead. That deal started at the beginning of July, and is still "open," although it too is dormant at the moment pending a decision from the client.
In the meantime, I am working my sixth deal, which started out as another "helper" deal, but has now turned into a full fledged tower deal, with me working the mid-range tower.
So, my scorecard to this point is:
| Deal # | Value | Status |
| 1 | $400M | No award - client has decided not to outsource |
| 2 | $230M | Lost |
| 3 | $1.2B | Lost |
| 4 | $100M | No award - client has decided not to outsource |
| 5 | $120M | Lost |
| 6 | can't say | Open |
| 7 | can't say | Open |
Not very confidence inspiring, is it?
I realize that I only play a part in any deal, and on most of these deals, it was such a small part that it really had no bearing on the (negative) outcome, but still...
Every time I think I am starting to get a handle on this job, I realize just how complex it is, and how much I don't know, and I feel like I'm not very good at it, and never will be.
And to make things worse, I am really having trouble getting into this new deal. At the moment, I am writing this partly as procrastination avoidance of writing my proposal section. I really don't know why I am having so much trouble. Given, writing is not one of my strong points, but I have managed to hammer out proposal sections for other deals. Given, I had hoped to have some down time while my deal was dormant as I really am tired, and there is lots of work that I have deferred due to the demands of the last two deals that I need to catch up on, but, this is what I've been assigned, and the company doesn't pay me to sit on my ass, and there are team members counting on me to get it done.
It all makes me wonder if I will ever find anything that I am truly good at. I had always expected that I would excel at something, but these days, more and more, I tend to believe that I will muddle through mediocrity my whole life.
It also makes me wonder if I'll ever find any job that I truly am happy at. I thought this job was it, but now, I am beginning to wonder...
So, in the meantime, I just get fatter.
Week before last, while I was traveling, I really tried to watch what I ate, and to exercise regularly. And for the most part, I did pretty well. I exercised at least once each day, sometimes twice, and for the most part, I ate reasonably.
This week, at home, where it should be easier to watch my weight, I have only exercised twice, and have eaten like a condemned man. So, here I sit, fifteen pounds heavier than I was a year ago. Thank goodness we invested in those stretch waist pants when I bought some new clothes for this job!
I realize that while some people are successful because they are born with God given gifts, and many people are successful because of moderate talent honed with lots of hard work, many people are successful simply because of good luck, and that conversely, many people fail simply due to bad luck. Sometimes, being a winner, is nothing more than "the luck of the draw." Overall, I do realize how fortunate I am. I have a good job that pays well and doesn't force me to endure physical danger or hardship, I was blessed to be born and live in the United States of America, I am in good health, I not only have everything I need materially, but much of what I want. Yet somehow, I still feel like I was in the bathroom the day that good luck was handed out. Well, maybe that's not really the case... maybe I just have always used up my good luck being saved from the really bad stuff - how many times have I walked away unscathed from situations which should have caused lasting harm or even death? Yes, I do believe that I have a guardian angel as far as that is concerned. So, on the one hand, I realize (and appreciate) just how much I have to be grateful for, yet on the other hand, I can't help but wish for more. Jeanie says that's why I'll never really be happy.
Well, I was hoping that this online bitching and moaning would help me feel better, but, no luck, so, I guess I'll just have to crack the whip on myself and get to proposalizing.
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Posted by David at September 05, 2004 01:45 PM | Categorized under: A day in the life