~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken. Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God: Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians
- So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~
If We Quit Voting,
Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost,
But Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Walking Is So Good For You,
Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks
... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down
Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals;
Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THE GREATEST BUMPER STICKER EVER :

"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

USE THE BEST
Linux for servers
Macintosh for graphics
Palm for mobility
Windows for solitaire

SELECT * FROM users WHERE clue=TRUE
No rows returned.

#define QUESTION
((bb) || !(bb))

Life would be easier if I had the source code

If you're not part of the solution then you're part of the precipitate

RTFM

C:\DOS
C:\DOS\RUN
RUN\DOS\RUN

Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I used to have a handle on life but it broke off.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I give 100% at work
18% Monday
23% Tuesday
25% Wednesday
22% Thursday
12% Friday

And of course my favorite:

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

So, necessity being the mother of invention and all that, I came up with a solution that worked quite well, if I do say so myself.

I went to the grocery store and purchased a small package of kitchen garbage bags.

I took the items that needed to be kept cool, and placed them in one bag, and tied it shut. Fortunately, none of the items were easily bruised or crushed.

I took two bags, and filled them each partially with ice from the hotel ice machine, then tied them tightly.

I then took another garbage bag, and placed one of the ice filled bags into the bottom. I then placed the bag with the perishables on top of the bag of ice. I then took the second bag of ice and placed it on top of the perishables bag.

I then took the extra blanket which most hotels place in the closet - which was one of those nice micro-fleece jobs - and wrapped it around my little bundle of joy, and then placed that bundle back into the zippered storage case.

Worked like a charm!

Now, for those of you who don't know the whole story, I'll briefly recap twenty some-odd years of history.

Al and I became best friends and roommates while attending Duke almost twenty-five years ago. We were like two peas in a pod. Some of the best experiences of my life were shared with Al, who, in addition to being "scary smart," was as kind and caring a person as one could ever hope to have the good fortune to meet.

I could go on and on about all the good times we had together, the crazy stunts we engaged in, and the many kindnesses Al extended to me, but, that's another topic for another post...

As is unfortunately too often the case, after I left school, we drifted apart and lost contact. Just so there is no doubt, I take full responsibility for that, as at the time I was even more of a moron and jerk than I am today (at least I hope I am less so), but that is also another topic, probably not for another post.

Anyway, I often thought about Al, and even tried to locate him via the Internet a few times over the years, but never succeeded.

About a year and a half ago, out of the blue, I got an e-mail from Al. Talk about receiving an early Christmas present! I was absolutely thrilled! Al had Googled me and found Witsdom.

Since then, we've been trading e-mails every now and then. The first few were mostly messages trying to fill in the gaps of twenty years of work, marriage, family, etc. Then we settled into the occasional update or off-the-wall message forward / tidbit. Somehow, in all of the messages back and forth, I had never thought to ask Al for his address or phone number.

Al and I had talked about getting together, but plans just never quite seemed to work out.

So, here I was in Gaithersburg, thinking maybe I wasn't too far from his house, but not knowing for sure, because I didn't know where he lived. And given the nature of my work schedule, I was hesitant to let Al know via e-mail that I was in the area, in case things once again didn't work out.

Well, to shorten an already long story, I sent Al an e-mail asking for his address, he replied, I found out he lived less than thirty minutes from where I am working, and I was able to carve out a few hours today to go visit.

Words can't (at least words I can come up with) describe how wonderful it was to see Al and Ursula. I must admit, I had been a little nervous about the visit. What if it was awkward, what if we didn't have anything to talk about, what if, what if, what if...

Well, all of that trepidation evaporated in about a microsecond as Al enveloped me in a giant bear hug seemingly before I was even fully out of the car!

Our time together just flew by. We reminisced about the past, talked about the present, speculated about the future. I have met few people who are as sentimental as I am, but I think Al is right up there with me. I could not believe some of the keepsakes that Al had held onto all these years. And Al's memory of names and events absolutely amazed me - time hasn't dulled that razor intellect.

Al gave me a tour of his beautiful home, and introduced me to his two handsome, polite sons.

Ursula prepared an absolutely delicious lunch of homemade fajitas which we feasted on as we chatted away.

Before I knew it, I realized (via the "help" of getting called from work) that I had stayed way past when I had committed to getting in to the office today. So, much as I hated to do it, I had to leave the pleasure of Al and Ursula's company.

Hopefully, it won't be another twenty-four years before we see each other again, and in the meantime, I have a couple of digital pictures and a 9/16ths combination wrench to serve as fond keepsakes of a day that I will savor for a long time.

and came across a message from one of my old high school chums, Ivan Keesey.

Ivan has been really good about staying in contact with the members of our high school class, and publishes an address book every so often which he distributes to our small group.

In this particular message, Ivan provided a link to another of our class' web sites, an incredibly talented illustrator - Ashby North. I always knew that Ashby was talented - I mean, how many people do you know that can write with their toes?!? But I had no idea just how brilliant he was artistically until I checked out Ashby Illustration. Check it out - it's definitely worth the visit.

So, I used the option to "print to file" which resulted in creating print output files on my local hard drive.

Today, back in the office, the question then became, how do I get the .prn files to actually print?

If I had a locally attached printer, I would just go to a command prompt and enter: copy file.prn LPT1 /b. Where LPT1 is the name of the file created as a result of the "print to file" and /b instructs the copy command to handle the copy as a binary file to avoid stopping prematurely due to encountering a control character rather than EOF.

I looked up the "port" name of the direct IP printer IP_xx.xx.xx.xx where xx.xx.xx.xx was the IP address and tried using that - but no luck. The result was just getting a new file on my hard drive named IP_xx.xx.xx.xx.

After doing some digging, I found the following solution:

Share the direct IP printer by going into Printers and Faxes, right clicking on the printer, selecting Sharing..., and then following the simple wizard.

This effectively makes your computer a print server, which then allows you to copy the file to the new "device" as follows:

copy file.prn \\YOURCOMPUTER\ShareName /b

Woohoo!

I think I've said it before, but just in case...

I HATE COMMENT SPAM!

Jay Allen's wonderful MT-Blacklist does an admirable job in keeping it to a minimum. Highly, highly, highly recommended!

The new version (at least to me - I was on 1.6.2) has a new feature that I just love - a "no filter" option which allows you to display your last n comments. This is really nice if you want to peruse your list to make sure no comment spammers snuck in before you had Jay watching your back.

Possibly my greatest contribution to the blogosphere was my entry on Neck Bumps. It definitely received more comments that any other post - by far.

I just posted a comment myself, but, since lots of times people don't check the recent comments sidebar, I figured I'd post it here too.

I got a haircut last weekend. Right after I got home, I took a washcloth and applied a liberal amount of rubbing alcohol to it. I then vigorously rubbed all around my hairline - side and back of my neck, as well as around my face. I did the same thing time before - guess what? No bumps!

I really do think that the clipper oil is the culprit - and I think that the "washing" with the rubbing alcohol serves the dual role of removing the oil from the hair follicles, and also serving as a disinfectant for any little nasties that might have been transferred from the clippers to me.

While I totally disclaim this as medical advice, nor offer it as a cure-all or prevent-all for neck bumps, I figured it was worth sharing my experience - for whatever that's worth...

I managed to hammer out a first draft of my proposal section.

I'm not especially happy with it, but, at least it is done, and sent off for review.

On the other hand, dinner consisted of four slices of sausage and pepperoni pizza, courtesy of Papa John's.

I really should now shift my attention to the solution overview update that is due by COB tomorrow, or to trying to complete another section of the on-line class that is a prerequisite for the project management class that I am signed up for week-after-next. The estimate was that the on-line class would take a minimum of 16 hours. I have completed one section out of twelve. The estimate was that section would require 2 hours and 20 minutes to complete. I think it took me around 4, so I have a lot of work yet to do to complete the on-line learning - which is a non-negotiable requirement for attending the classroom training; show up without proof of completion, and they turn you away! But, my brain is mush...

I think I'll call it a night, and look forward to a true Labor Day tomorrow. No rest for the weary... or is it the wicked? Well, I guess it applies either way...

My confidence is creeping down...

And my weight is creeping up...

I am really struggling at work at the moment. Part of the challenge is overall confidence. I have been in this new position for over a year, and I have still yet to be on a winning engagement. I was told when I interviewed for the job, that we only win between 25% and 35% of the deals we work, but so far, I have won 0% - or to put it another way, I have lost 100%.

I worked my first deal for about six months, then it went dormant due to a change in the business conditions of the client.

I was assigned to my second "deal" when the first one first went dormant. I was on it for about a month, when the first deal fired back up, and so I had to be pulled off of the second deal to work the first. After about another month, the first deal once again went dormant, so I was put back on the second to help with some of the proposal writing.

I was assigned to my third deal to once again help with the proposal writing after two of the TSMs went down with the flu on the same day. I spent about a month helping on that deal.

My fourth deal was another "help out" deal. I was assigned to help out with the due diligence portion. That lasted about three weeks.

My fifth deal was my first deal as "lead." I busted my ass for four months on that deal.

My sixth deal was my second deal as lead. That deal started at the beginning of July, and is still "open," although it too is dormant at the moment pending a decision from the client.

In the meantime, I am working my sixth deal, which started out as another "helper" deal, but has now turned into a full fledged tower deal, with me working the mid-range tower.

So, my scorecard to this point is:

Not very confidence inspiring, is it?

I realize that I only play a part in any deal, and on most of these deals, it was such a small part that it really had no bearing on the (negative) outcome, but still...

Every time I think I am starting to get a handle on this job, I realize just how complex it is, and how much I don't know, and I feel like I'm not very good at it, and never will be.

And to make things worse, I am really having trouble getting into this new deal. At the moment, I am writing this partly as procrastination avoidance of writing my proposal section. I really don't know why I am having so much trouble. Given, writing is not one of my strong points, but I have managed to hammer out proposal sections for other deals. Given, I had hoped to have some down time while my deal was dormant as I really am tired, and there is lots of work that I have deferred due to the demands of the last two deals that I need to catch up on, but, this is what I've been assigned, and the company doesn't pay me to sit on my ass, and there are team members counting on me to get it done.

It all makes me wonder if I will ever find anything that I am truly good at. I had always expected that I would excel at something, but these days, more and more, I tend to believe that I will muddle through mediocrity my whole life.

It also makes me wonder if I'll ever find any job that I truly am happy at. I thought this job was it, but now, I am beginning to wonder...

So, in the meantime, I just get fatter.

Week before last, while I was traveling, I really tried to watch what I ate, and to exercise regularly. And for the most part, I did pretty well. I exercised at least once each day, sometimes twice, and for the most part, I ate reasonably.

This week, at home, where it should be easier to watch my weight, I have only exercised twice, and have eaten like a condemned man. So, here I sit, fifteen pounds heavier than I was a year ago. Thank goodness we invested in those stretch waist pants when I bought some new clothes for this job!

I realize that while some people are successful because they are born with God given gifts, and many people are successful because of moderate talent honed with lots of hard work, many people are successful simply because of good luck, and that conversely, many people fail simply due to bad luck. Sometimes, being a winner, is nothing more than "the luck of the draw." Overall, I do realize how fortunate I am. I have a good job that pays well and doesn't force me to endure physical danger or hardship, I was blessed to be born and live in the United States of America, I am in good health, I not only have everything I need materially, but much of what I want. Yet somehow, I still feel like I was in the bathroom the day that good luck was handed out. Well, maybe that's not really the case... maybe I just have always used up my good luck being saved from the really bad stuff - how many times have I walked away unscathed from situations which should have caused lasting harm or even death? Yes, I do believe that I have a guardian angel as far as that is concerned. So, on the one hand, I realize (and appreciate) just how much I have to be grateful for, yet on the other hand, I can't help but wish for more. Jeanie says that's why I'll never really be happy.

Well, I was hoping that this online bitching and moaning would help me feel better, but, no luck, so, I guess I'll just have to crack the whip on myself and get to proposalizing.

David Weekly homes, working in conjunction with with Residential Warranty Corporation corrected our foundation problem. I wasn't here to see the actual work being performed, but Jeanie reported that they basically jacked/shimmed up the end of the house that was slipping, pulled the supporting wall back in with come-alongs, then braced the wall to the floor joists using 2X4 diagonal braces. Jeanie remarked that she was actually quite impressed with the representative from David Weekly homes, who was extremely responsive and forthcoming. Quite a change from our experiences building the house. Maybe they finally learned their lesson here in North Carolina. But, I'm not planning on buying another David Weekly home just the same.

The carpet was replaced on the stairs by Summit Construction, a company subcontracted by The Home Depot, from whom Jeanie purchased the carpet. Jeanie did a good job of matching the new carpet to the existing carpet - you really have to look to see that the carpet on the stairs is not the same as the rest of the house. While they were here, the carpet installers also reinstalled a portion of the carpet in the upstairs hall to remove a loose "hump" that had formed over the years. In addition to repairing the damaged caused by Cali choosing to "teeth" on the carpet on the stairs, we had hoped to remedy what we thought was a flaw in the original installation which resulted in the carpet draping from step to step, rather than being affixed beneath each lip. Turns out that the flaw was not in the original carpet installation, but in the construction of the stair treads, which do not extend out far enough to allow for the carpet to be stapled beneath the lip and not show the staples. Ah yes, just another little lovely reminder of the lack of attention to details that went into the building of this house by David Weekly.

Cary Restoration finally got around to replacing our kitchen floor. This little saga has had some many little twists. First, we couldn't get them to come over to give us an estimate. When they finally got around to scheduling someone to come over, they didn't show up. Jeanie had to call and call to get someone to actually appear. Then, they brought us samples for the wrong thickness of flooring - 3/8" rather than 5/8". So, we had to call them back to bring the correct samples. Then Jeanie had to call and call to get the actual installation scheduled. And then, we got a really big surprise when the company they had contracted to actually do the work called to let us know that the total cost would be almost double what the insurance company had written the check for! This was really interesting considering that the insurance adjuster had based the claim on the estimate for replacing the floor given by Cary Restoration! A few more calls by Jeanie got that twist straightened out.

Jeanie had to do a tremendous amount of work to prepare for the installation of the new floor. We had hoped to replace the kitchen flooring with tile, both because we felt that tile made more sense in a kitchen that wood - given the abundance of water that can end up on a kitchen floor between leaking ice makers, and leaking dish washers, and leaking sinks, and spilled pots, and ... - and because there was nothing wrong with the hardwoods in the dining room and foyer, and moving Jeanie's massive dining room table and hutch (not to mention all of the china therein) would be a huge pain. Well, unfortunately, the cost of just putting tile in the kitchen was well beyond the amount the insurance company had given us to settle the claim, so we went with their solution - which called for replacing all of the hardwoods since our existing flooring was no longer manufactured and thus could not be matched to the dining room and foyer.

Thus, Jeanie had to remove all of her china from the hutch, and all of her crystal from the other hutch, so these pieces could be removed so the floor could be replaced.

I must say, it pained me to know that perfectly good flooring was being ripped up. What a waste! While the adjuster was being very reasonable to agree that all of the hardwoods would need to be replaced to match the pre-damage condition, it appears that the estimate he came up with was a real low-ball price. When Jeanie contacted other companies to price replacing the hardwoods, she received much higher estimates. Had the adjuster's estimate been closer to market average, we would have had enough money to pay the modest premium for tile just in the kitchen, and not had to waste the time or energy to rip out perfectly good flooring in the dining room and foyer.

The experience has taught us a good lesson: don't just accept what the insurance adjuster offers at first. Hopefully, there will never be a "next time," but if there is, we will make sure to get a couple of independent estimates - just to keep the adjuster honest.

The installers did a reasonably decent job of installing the new flooring, but, they did all of the cutting of the planks on the deck, with the door left open, which ended up allowing saw dust to blow into the house. In addition, there are a number of footprints on the new flooring that we have not been able to remove - even after repeated applications of soap, water, and elbow grease. They also got stain on the freshly painted baseboards. So, our kitchen flooring saga is not quite over. Looks like Jeanie will be back on the phone with Cary Restoration on Tuesday.

The painters, Primary Painting of Cary, also finished. The exterior had been completed a number of weeks ago, but we had waited to have the interior done until after we returned from our trip. Overall, they did a good job.

On the exterior, in addition to painting, they replaced some rotted wood on the porch and on the crawlspace access door. All of the paint was brushed (rather than sprayed), which gave excellent coverage and penetration.

On the interior, they did a good job of moving all of the furniture to the center of the rooms and covering them with tarps. They did really well painting walls which had wallpaper borders at the ceiling. They were very neat in their trim work, and did a good job of patching nail holes, nail pops and cracks in the walls.

Jeanie really only had a couple of challenges with the painting. The painters were a number of days late showing up to start the job. The owner (Joe) explained that this was because they had been delayed in finishing their previous job. While I realize this does sometimes happen, the Joe should have called Jeanie to let her know that they were running behind, rather than Jeanie sitting at home waiting for them, and hearing nothing until she called to ask why they weren't here. Also, the Joe tended to be pretty lax in returning Jeanie's calls. It is a relatively small company, and I'm sure the Joe has his hands full - especially since he is also running his partner's crew while his partner is out, but, nonetheless, communicating with your customers has to be a number one priority in running any business - especially a service business.

Speaking of communication, that was the one other challenge on which Jeanie commented. It seems to increasingly be the case that the laborers either do not speak English at all, or have only the most rudimentary ability to communicate in English. Sometimes, at least the foreman has good enough English skills to communicate effectively with us, this was the case with the carpet installers, but in the case of the painting crew, even this wasn't the case. This ended up causing a bit of frustration for Jeanie, and ended up costing the owner time and money, since Jeanie was not able to communicate to the crew that they were making mistakes which later had to be corrected after she pointed them out to Joe.

Even with the challenges, I would recommend Primary Painting of Cary. Overall, the quality of their work was very high, their price was very reasonable, and they went "above and beyond" to try to please us. Joe offered us a very aggressive price for our job - significantly lower than other estimates we had received. This was in part because he did not have any references in this neighborhood, and wanted to get "his foot in the door," and partly because business was a little slow. Thus, I'm fairly confident that his profit margin was already pretty slim. The crew got some paint on a couple of our fabric window shades, and cracked a window. Joe absolutely stood up and took responsibility for the damage, paying to have the shades cleaned and the window replaced. That sort of response is rare enough these days, but especially admirable when margins are already tight.

So, at least all of the major externally provided work is now complete. Unfortunately, the house is in disarray - boxes everywhere - full of our knick-knacks and china. Looks like Jeanie is going to have another full week getting things back in order.

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his IBM notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

The yuppie then accesses a Oracle database through an ODBC connected OpenOffice spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads
all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his i-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then
the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't now anything about my business...

...Now give me back my dog.